Are they related?
A very sweet gal at the gym asked me this yesterday. I use to attend her body pump class. She has a 2 year old daughter that shares my 2 year olds name.
“Oh! I didn’t know you had another! Are they related?” She asked as she glanced from Lyla to Lars and back to Lyla as I was attempting to check them into the Kid’s Zone. Masie just stared at her. Luckily, I didn’t have Miles with me at the gym that day.
“Do you mean are they biological siblings? No. But they’re most definitely related.” I said while staying reasonably calm on the outside. I think I pulled it off.
I think people are thrown by the fact that we have two brown babies. Lyla’s and Lars’s features look nothing alike, but right now their skin and hair colors are the same shades. The gal knew that my kids were adopted. It’s pretty obvious. So why phrase the question that way? I don’t want to take offense, but as our kids get older, they hear and take in what strangers observe about our trans-racial family.
Strangers would ask a similar question when the girls were younger.
“Are they sisters?” or “Are they twins?”
The second question just made me want to laugh because they’re almost a year apart and Masie is about a head taller besides being a different ethnicity. I do dress them alike fairly often so maybe I’m bringing on that question myself.
“Are they all yours?”
That use to really offend me. But I’m over it now and smile while nodding my head.
Do I run a daycare? Am I babysitting? Does she look more like her dad?
Now it isn’t just an issue of their different ethnicities, it’s also that we have so many little ones. I get it.
We love adoption. I love to share how adoption has brought our family together. I love that friends refer me to other friends hoping to adopt.
But, I have to set some boundaries for when I’m approached by a stranger or someone who isn’t very familiar to me. Our kids have a right to privacy. A right to tell their adoption story when they want to or not at all.
Please don’t ask me in front of them if they are “related.”
Our kids love each other so much. Of course they are related.
8 comments:
I have come to this conclusion.. some people just say dumb things without thinking first. What a great story you have to tell.. but to only those who are privleged..:) im glad i am one of those..
I am sure you all were related and chose you for parents.. before we came to earth.. they just got to you in a special way :)
I hear ya Emrie! That must be so tiring to hear! Thank you for the educational post :).
Great post Emrie!
I agree with Cori, you have a WONDERFUL story to tell.
I got THEE best comment ever. In the grocery store the other day. Oh my goodness, it is at the top! A guy looked at Ava commented on how cute and tiny she was, and then asked....
"Did you switch husbands?"
Seriously??!!
Seriously?!
We get this ALL THE TIME too! "Are they brother and sister?" I know what they are trying to get at, but I always respond, "they are now." Oh man adoption brings out the silliest comments from random people. We adoption lovers get thick skin. :)
Thanks for this post. I know several people who have adopted biological siblings and they don't think twice when they are asked if they are related, to each other or to their other adopted children.
I will be sure not to ask this question of those adoptive people I am not close with enough to already know answer. I would feel really badly if I were to hurt feelings or offend someone.
Great Post. I think people just don't know what to say so they say the most insensitive things. I have got alot of that when we told people we were going to get certified to adopt. Instead they just shouldn't say anything at all. Your family is beautiful! LOve the swimming post. :)
Tarrin, I love that. "They are now!!"
Jessica, I was at the mall with all the kids and an elderly woman told me how beautiful they all are and then she says, "And look at you. Still so slender." Sort of not a compliment to an adoptive mom ;)
Thanks for all of your friendly support :)
I know (ok read the blog of) a woman who has two children who are biracial. and adopted. A woman at the mall or store looked at them, looked at her and said "your children are so beautiful. your husband must be very handsome"
wtf!
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